so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
