dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
