Your face is a jimmy john
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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