Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Randomize
