ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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