yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
