I hate your face
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
