so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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