At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
