o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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