did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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