Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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