4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize