Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
