i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want to make a zoo with you.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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