If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
