you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize