Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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