Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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