I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
