girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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