im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I smell like Dick and happiness
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
