Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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