if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
