dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
