Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
