so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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