i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
