John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
