I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
