No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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