Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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