I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
