i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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