I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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