you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
