I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
