I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Terrible idea I love it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize