There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
