this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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