FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize