Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
