When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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