I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
