he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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