Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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