Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
