DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I AM VODKA MAN
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize