he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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