i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize