I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize