i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
