this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
