why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize