There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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