my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
